What if...
a little exercise I do when I feel creatively blocked, uncertain or anxious
If you’re anything like me, what follows the question, “what if” is traditionally something all doom and gloom like…
“I forget the words”
“Nobody cares”
“I screw up”
“They all make fun of me”
“They don’t like/accept/love me…”
That last one hits. That’s what I realized was keeping me from the one thing I could be — myself. You may even have haunting memories of something similar. (I suspect if you have a soul, you have.)
It’s natural. Our subconscious mind is running the playbook afterall, and once I discovered that for myself after two decades of staying stuck in the same loop.. I decided to dedicate the rest of my life to helping others get out of their loops and rewrite the stories that had been keeping them from being the one thing they could be — themselves.
Today I ran into it again. Felt the body shut down. Slept through my alarm and missed my first appointment today… and instead of shaming myself I decided to take a curious look at what was going on under the hood.
Here’s what came up.
The Deeper Issue
What I’ve discovered this past (exhausting) week, I’m trying to fit in as a perfect solution to whatever perceived problems exist in the world. Sounds like a good thing on the surface, right? Well… if you’re anything like me, who can and has worn almost any hat and proven to be good enough to get by, that becomes a big distraction. Everything looks like a lane and constant switching becomes the habit your mind believes is your path. My last week has been a lot of minor tweaks to the overall plan, typically when something or someone new presents their problems. It’s exhausting. And my body just straight up told me no more when I woke up. Groggy. Fuzzy. Slight headache.
Heard. Loud and clear.
The Solution
After I wrote solution just now, I felt some resistance… “path forward” feels better in my soul. The trouble with solutions is that part of the way I operate best is through living and learning and passing it on, so a solution is actually more about me failing and learning from the take aways. As you can imagine, that takes some time…
Quick note* If you would like more information on how you best move through life, message me and I’ll connect you with my Human Design mentors. I’ve found HD incredibly helpful in navigating the day to day challenges and accepting the ways I am best received and I would be happy to help you feel more ease in your life too.
Here’s the thing… Today marks one week out of the cozy, yet draining commercial gym job that I took on for 6 months. While I had all the intention of hammering out ten conversations per day, I accumulated a measly five in total. That’s because I’m operating against my natural design. I’m not a hustler, not a pusher, certainly not a cold caller. I’ve learned all these skills as part of a decorated 25 year career in the people business across multiple industries, but holy moly does it ever wear me down.
I’m a lighthouse. I need an invitation into the lives of others in order to offer my gifts and if you’re a Splenic Projector too, you’ll feel this next line hard.
When I push upstream against the current, people tune me out. I might be pisces, but I’m not a strong swimmer. I do better guiding the ships to where they need to go. I hope you like the metaphor. It connects a lot of dots for me.
That said, I did one of my favourite exercises I’ve ever learned (and now teach) for how to get out of the loop, “What if…”.
Instead of what iffing all the worst-case scenarios, I think about what if it all works out? What if in an ideal situation, my crazy idea actually works? This is just one of the powers of language and how our mind processes information.
Anyway, I wrote what came to mind after those two words today and I’ve shared it below. Turns out, freewriting exposes what’s actually going on under the surface. That ocean of mine is deep and I’m starting to wonder if I had it all backwards this past week. Like, what would it look like if I was just me… doing and being the things that only I can be…? Here I am in the act:
Would love to hear what you would do next if you were in my shoes. Please comment your thoughts if you’re open to it below. Thanks for reading.